ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
