I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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