I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
