I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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