I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize