You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
