I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
