Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
