My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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