My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
