It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
