I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
