I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
