i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
