Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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