i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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