omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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