I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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