i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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