Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
