i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
