it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
