Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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