Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
