He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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