her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
