she was so not down for the gang bang
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
