We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize