Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
