it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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