That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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