If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
