i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
