Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
