so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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