I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
