you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
