I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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