i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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