I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
