I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
