I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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