i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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