come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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