We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
