i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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