You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
