I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
