He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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