I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize