get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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