Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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