1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
