McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
