I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
