Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
