Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
