Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize