so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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