You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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