I think I am morally bankrupt
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
